On “Evolution”

I have been journaling daily for almost 17 years. That’s a lot of life written down. It’s rare for me to go back and read what I’ve written; It’s really just a way of processing my life. On the occasion that I do open up those old journals, I usually feel one of two ways; Astounded that I’m somehow the same version of myself, still toiling away through the same conundrums of life, or like that distant version of myself somehow knew, that someday, the me of today would read those words and understand with deep gratitude the profound evolution that has taken place in my life. Usually, it’s a little bit of both.

I painted “Evolution” in March of 2022, a pivotal time in my life. My paintings are often as autobiographical as my journals, embodying the tone and energy of a certain time period or transition I was going through. As I prepared to write this piece and share the inspirations and experiences behind the artwork, I opened up my journals from February and March of that year.

On February 21, 2022, I write:

“I am getting more comfortable in my skin. With my voice. I am realizing I understand and even know quite a bit. I am beginning to feel less like a child. I am healing. I am a woman.”

I was living in San Jose, having moved there from LA, not long after getting sober. I had fully immersed myself in my recovery and in AA, making it my absolute #1 priority in life, and letting pretty much everything else fall away. And that was the way it had to be for me. It had worked. But in the winter of 2022, I found myself at a crossroads.

Life as I had once known it had changed completely, and in many ways, for the better. But deep inside, I knew that an essential part of my personal recovery required just that; recovering the sense of self I had somehow lost during my years of addiction. Realizing this, I wrestled with how I should continue in my recovery. I was no longer certain that the particular group I was in was right for me. The dogmatic approach of the group & point of view that discouraged self-trust had me questioning whether or not my being there was aligned. At the same time, I questioned whether I was just fighting a very necessary ego death, and needed to stay the course and double down on everything I was being taught. I was afraid to leave, but I also felt that in order to evolve and remain healthy, I could not stay.

I know this may sound dramatic. Why couldn’t I just try a new meeting group or two. I had already done the hard parts of totally upending my entire life and starting again somewhere new! It was a whirlwind and I had really given it my all. But something had changed in me, and even though I was afraid, I knew it was time to question what was happening and honor the precious, forgotten parts of myself that were beginning to resurface.

So I opened up and shared what was on my heart. I confided in the women I’d befriended within the group I was considering leaving. Some understood. Some judged me. Some cried and told me I was bipolar. I started widening my circle of support, connecting with different groups of women beyond those I’d met in my recovery circles. I talked to people who’d known me the longest, my sister, my mother, about how I was feeling and why. I started reading lots of books by female writers; diaries, poetry, essays. I recentered my art and began writing creatively again.

My journal entries in February and March reverberate with the shift that was taking place. On February 22, 2022, I write:

“I am totally independent and free to enjoy moments of deep connection and pleasure.”

And on February 28th:

“I am so peaceful and whole. I think I’ve really come back to myself in a lot of ways lately. I am not creating battles. I am finding my way and allowing it, rather than fighting my way forward.”

Little by little, I began to feel safe & strong being myself. I did leave that group, and eventually, AA as a whole. I took so much that I learned with me. My time there saved my life, but so did letting it go.

Evolution is a way of taking all of ourselves with us into the next phase of life. It allows us self-compassion in the place of self-judgement, letting us build on what we came with, rather than abandoning completely the many versions of self that brought us there. When we do this successfully, we become altogether lighter. A whole world opens up to us when we stop letting fear keep us small and stringent. Rather than living in a state of either/or, the ability to rest at the center of everything you know and navigate the nuance of it frees the soul to experience everything it’s meant to. You get to be all of it. Full spectrum. No limits. That’s the beauty of being human.

One of the pillars of my sobriety has been deeply understanding and loving the version of myself that is an addict. I feel parts of her every day, and I thank her for what she showed me about myself. I see and know her intimately. I do not deny or abandon her, and because of this, she no longer needs to take center stage in my life. She is just a part of me. A part of my evolution that I would not be here without.

On March 22nd, 2022, I took a poetry for alchemy class. It was with one of the groups of women that really helped me evolve though this time, Chelsie Diane’s “Poems & Power”. That class was like a portal. In my notes, I write:

“Pain is fuel. Propel yourself. Use it for yourself. Don’t give it back.

Voice it. Alchemize it. Turn it into love & beauty.”

The next day, I painted “Evolution”.

Bold and gestural, “Evolution” embodies the energy of the shift I was experiencing that winter and spring. There is a purposefulness to its darkness; a velocity to its form. I don’t really have any other paintings quite like it, and I love understanding that it came from a time of great unknowns, deep reflection and willingness to find clarity around who I was, where I was at, and where I wanted to go. It was born out of a moment of personal evolution that has continued to mold who I am becoming, even today.

“Evolution” is the latest painting to be added to “The Unreleased Series” and is available exclusively to my Collector’s List. If you’re interesting in adding this painting to your collection, or viewing more paintings in “The Unreleased Series”, just tap the button below.

As always, thank you, so much, for being here and supporting me by spending a little bit of your precious time witnessing me and my art.